It is Sunday and in an 1 hour and a half I will be in church listening to Pastor Betsy's sermon and trying to strengthen my relationship with God. My relationship with God is a perplexing one--I believe in a Higher Power! I believe that someone has protected and guided me through the dark hours of my life! I believe that same entity has brought people into my life to help me heal and become happy! I believe all of these things! But it took me a long time to realize there was a missing component--my faith! The people, God's strength, the support--they were there all of the time for me to embrace, if only I would have been open to it! If only I would have stopped beating myself up with the negative thoughts and self-hatred!
Yes, I now admit that is what it was--so much anger, unhappiness and misery for myself--self-hatred! I deliberately looked at my faults--ignored my strengths and I shut out God! The hand that was beckoning me out of the darkness of pain, loniliess and fear, I shoved away! I railed at myself--How could this be happening to me! I blamed God, the world, family, friends, my job for shutting myself off from life! But hindsight is a wonderful thing-- just I as I shut the door on my faith...I can open it again! Which is what I am doing! Everyday, I am amazed about how my faith is growing in all directions and in the most unexpected places! People, oppurtunies and positive experiences are now coming into my life! I have changed my attitude, become open to the unexpected and more than anything I believe!
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